Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. — Ephesians 5:21
When I counsel couples preparing for marriage, I spend a lot of time discussing this one sentence from Paul’s letter to Ephesus. I believe this one line has the power to make or break a marriage. I also believe it takes just about a whole lifetime to live into.
This one line helps me understand our created design. It tells me I am designed for a relational posture that points away from self toward Christ. Submission is not oppression; it is a self-giving posture that calls me to something bigger than myself. We submit because it is a healthier way to live.
And we submit because God is God. I don’t submit because Steve (my good husband) is perfect or always right or because he is “large and in charge.” I submit because I am designed to glorify God. Steve doesn’t submit because he is weak or I’m overbearing. He submits because he wants to reflect the character of Christ.
In the theological world, submission has become something of a controversy. Our arguments center not around submission itself, but around two 25-cent words that speak to how men and women relate: complementarianism and egalitarianism.
A complementarian worldview says men and women are equal in dignity but different in roles. In this way of viewing human design, the man has responsibility of authority and the woman has the role of helping. In its most extreme form, it may even imply that the image of God is given to men alone. Complementarians are adamant that the power given to men is to be used only in self-sacrificing ways and this, of course, is on target. The danger is that it emphasizes roles over gifts. Where Genesis paints the picture of partnership, complementarianism introduces a hierarchy.
An egalitarian worldview says men and women are equal in dignity and equal in responsibility. Both men and women are created in God’s image and both are given responsibility to rule over His creation. Egalitarians emphasize our responsibility to live out our design. I believe this worldview is more consistent with Paul’s extensive teaching on spiritual gifts. The danger of egalitarianism is that it can actually minimize our differences and may even demonize them, when in reality men and women have clear distinctions.
So which “ism” is it — egalitarianism or complementarianism? My answer is YES. We are both! There are obvious ways we are different — physically, emotionally, socially. Our physical differences especially reflect deeper realities. Men in general are wired to provide and protect; women in general are wired for nurture and community. Those differences complement each other and make life interesting and enjoyable.
When we reduce our differences to roles, though, we forsake our spiritual side. We are more than plumbing and wiring. We are redeemed people with bodies and stories and spiritual gifts designed to be in partnership with God to build the Kingdom on earth. Women also provide for families; men also nurture their children. Both men and women bear responsibility for building up their homes and communities, to “build homes and live in them,” as Jeremiah says. “Seek the welfare of the city where I have sent you into exile, and pray to the Lord on its behalf, for in its welfare you will find your welfare” (Jeremiah 29:5-7).
We are not just roles. We are people with gifts and calls and destinies, created to welcome and advance the Kingdom of God on earth in the communities where we’ve been planted.
Does any of this matter in real life? Well … I’m glad you asked.
Paul knew what he was talking about when he counseled couples to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. We add dignity to difference when we learn to submit to each other rather than establish power bases. We love well when we place ourselves at the feet of Jesus.
In other words: The only possible way I can love you is through the power of Jesus Christ.
This is how women and men are designed to work. Submission means placing our SELVES at the feet of Jesus. The way Jesus poured out his life in service, husbands are to pour out their lives for their wives. Husbands, it is not your job to ask, “How submissive is my wife to me?” It is your job to ask, “When my wife looks at me, how much of the Servant Jesus does she see?”
The way Jesus loved and honored others, wives are to love their husbands. Wives, it is not our job to ask, “Is my husband being the man of the house the way I think he ought to be the man?” Rather, it is my responsibility as a follower of Jesus to ask, “How can I love and encourage him so that when the world looks at us, we will reflect the image of God?”
God has called us to serve one another in love. So often, my tendency is competition not cooperation, suppression not servanthood. Meanwhile, what Paul is asking us to do is not to build ladders, but bridges — to turn to one another and serve one another in love.
When Jesus says, “This is my body, given for you,” he is painting a picture of God’s Kingdom and of human design. And when we give ourselves for each other, we also become a picture of the Kingdom.
This is what it means to glorify God in our bodies.