Kathleen Herlo is a passionate follower of Jesus who practices her art in Evans, Georgia. On this Good Friday, may you be inspired by her redemption story:
Jesus is Lord?
What does that even mean? In my other life, this was meaningless to me. It fell in the same cliched category as, “Jesus loves you,” or “How is your walk with Christ?” Code words for Christians, mostly serving the purpose of making the rest of us feel like outsiders. In those days, Jesus was not my Lord. Chaos was.
Chaos manifested in all my relationships. Chaos is a kind of addiction that often breeds in childhood abuse — mine was sexual — and it serves, ironically, to numb the pain. It is how I coped with childhood trauma, by generating chaos in my life and others. I eventually sought therapy designed to expose and dismantle the safeguards I’d erected but with nothing to replace them I spun even further out of control. I responded by becoming more controlling. The downward spiral was devastating. I became a tyrant, often breaking out in fits of rage. I was unpredictable. My demands changed as frequently as my emotions. My children, teenagers by then, retaliated against the emotional whiplash. The people in my life learned to keep their distance and I did the same, insulating myself against rejection by making people and relationships disposable. I desperately wanted to escape the chaos but chaos is a stubborn demon. It doesn’t give up easily.
But I am an artist. I have an outlet for this pain. I can spread it around.
I learned to communicate my chaos in my art. In art school I did a series of drawings and paintings that I liked to call my “Prozac art.” Each work of art focused on the level of frustration I felt when trying to control the distracting pain. I used the art to manipulate the emotions of the viewer so they would feel the pain I was feeling. Each work of art — the series was officially entitled Distraction Destruction — pointed out to the viewer how easily we allow ourselves to get distracted by the simplest things. I felt the impact of those distractions and how meaningless they were. As an artist, I was allowed and even encouraged to indulge in the chaos which in turn drew positive attention (even respect), which ironically kept me stuck in the very insanity I so needed to escape. I was comfortable there but I was out of control.
But I am an artist, after all. Isn’t this what artists do?
Then I met Ted, a classmate who soon became my study partner. Ted had no filters (still doesn’t) when it came to his faith. In no time, he was asking those Christianese questions. “How is your walk with Christ?”
I don’t know. What does it matter? As long as I am a good person what difference does it make?
As our relationship grew, so did Ted’s expectations of me spiritually. He invited me to church. He didn’t tolerate my chaos. He held me accountable for my behavior. I discovered the comfort of boundaries, of order, of faith. After years of resisting God, I began to give in; we attended a small church called Mosaic and even attended Bible study together. I was shown God’s grace for a chaotic past, including a recent divorce, and gave my life to Christ. Ted and I married and I yoked myself to a man of faith.
Now, rather than listening to the voices of chaos, I was learning to listen to the voice of Jesus. I sought a relationship with him through Bible study, prayer, fasting, and fellowship. It is not lost on me that the path from chaos to love flows through spiritual discipline. When I allowed chaos to “lord over my life,” it was void of love. But now, amazing grace! The Lord God, Creator of the universe, Ruler over Heaven and earth, loves me! And in fact, wants a relationship with me! And in fact, wants to pour his love through me so I can finally love others well without fear of rejection.
Jesus is Lord!
He has redeemed all the relationships I tried so hard to destroy. He walked me through the process of making amends with those I hurt. He gave me grace enough to forgive my abusers and grace enough to forgive even myself. He taught me how to love. He taught me how to hear him.
The process of sanctification is slow and sometimes painful. For a season, I had to surrender my art while I learned to let Jesus redefine me. Now, instead of using my art to define who I am and as a way to manipulate others’ emotions, I am using it to expose Jesus’ love for all of us. The more I listen and follow Jesus and let him be my Lord, the more I see where he is working to redeem my past and guide my future.
I am an artist, but more importantly I am a daughter of God.
I am no longer living in chaos. I am painting again under the Lordship of Jesus Christ — a Lord who loves me, who wants only the best for me, who has proven that by his sacrifice.
This Jesus bled and died for me.
For me.
And I will never choose anything else to be my Lord.
